FIVE: (INDISTINCT)

The following is a verbatim transcript taken directly from a recording made in a hidden back room at the Jayne County Public Utility Department and Plus-Sized Clothing Factory Outlet building in Port Winestain, Washington, on November 9, 2009. Every attempt has been made to transcribe the dialogue on the tape as accurately as possible, but please be aware that, due to the poor quality of the writing recording, a certain amount of inaccuracy is inevitable.

FIRST VOICE: …two, three, testing… the time is now 8888 hours Pacific Standard Time, according to my broken digital wristwatch, the ninth day of November, 2009. Beginning preliminary interview with subject, (indistinct), a resident of Port Winestain, Washington, brought to secure location earlier today by associate L.Tablewood under false pretense of free pastry. Subject has been, um, subjected to standard course of hypnosis, aversion therapy and brain cleansing, via intravenous application of various psychotropic drugs and an Olivia Newton-John film festival. As a result, subject has lapsed into a catatonic state interspersed with intermittent moments of lucidity – at, um, 8888 hours today, he began foaming at the mouth and screaming uncontrollably about what a terrible actor Michael Beck was and had to be restrained. Sedatives were applied, and there were no further outbursts, apart from a seventeen-minute interval during which he was heard to moan, “Poor Gene Kelly… poor, poor Gene Kelly…” At this time, subject is more responsive and calmer, though still under restraints for reasons of safety and my personal amusement. I will now begin the questioning process of subject’s examination in order to determine efficacy of subject for recruitment and utilization in Phase Two of ongoing project. Questioning of subject will have to wait for a moment, however, subject to my attempts to subject the listener – our obedient subject – to the greatest number of uses of the word “subject” in a single sentence I can possibly subject said subjects to. During this portion of the examination, subject is having breathing and pulse rate monitored, albeit with the same watch I’m using to tell time, so his present pulse rate is holding steady at 8888. The questioning will begin after a brief message from our corporate sponsors at Megalomaniacorp, LLC. Hey, ladies, have you ever felt the need for a feminine hygiene product that also chops vegetables with a single –

(break in recording)

– subject, can you hear me?

SUBJECT: Yes.

FIRST VOICE: Can you feel me near you?

(SUBJECT does not respond)

FIRST VOICE: I repeat – subject, can you hear me?

SUBJECT: Yes.

FIRST VOICE: Can I help to cheer you?

SUBJECT: Well, you can start by having Jeff Lynne killed.

FIRST VOICE: Subject appears to be regressing to the first recurring gag in the present chapter, refusing to respond to interlocutor’s attempts to distract him with a different, equally weak pop-culture reference. I feel it may be best to move on. Subject, I am now going to ask you a series of questions. I want you to answer them as fully, completely and honestly as possible. And don’t worry; there are no wrong answers. Let us begin. Are you comfortable?

SUBJECT: Yes, I suppose so.

FIRST VOICE: WRONG!!!

(distortion on tape, loud electronic buzzing, sound of bacon frying)

SUBJECT: AAAAGGGGGHHH!!!

FIRST VOICE: (chuckles) Heh-heh. Sorry. God, that never gets old. Okay, first question: have you ever been convicted of a felony?

SUBJECT: Does high treason count?

FIRST VOICE: Of course.

SUBJECT: Then no.

FIRST VOICE: Do you have any criminal record at all?

SUBJECT: Oh, yes, quite an extensive one.

FIRST VOICE: Please outline your misdeeds for the microphone.

SUBJECT: Well… I started very young, when I was cited for loitering. The charges were later dropped, but the stigma lasted for some time. In my mother’s defense, it was a difficult birth. I think it set me down the wrong path in a lot of ways – I was something of a blackmail and fraud prodigy. I bilked dozens of crossing guards, lunch ladies and hall monitors out of a lot of money all the way through third grade, and I was only able to avoid prison because of my age and because it sounded so cute when I said “extortion”. My entire adolescence was technically a misdemeanor, as I was accidentally classified as a Class-A substance from the age of 14 to 22. Made it difficult to get my driver’s license. After that, I became a globe-trotting confidence man. I visited all four corners of the world, using a forged passport and a bootleg copy of the Michelin guide, unlawfully boosting people’s self-esteem. I was finally caught passing out false senses of security in Marrakech, put into a maximum-insecurity prison, and forced to sign an onerous contract for the movie rights to my story. I didn’t even get a cut of the basic-cable sales, do you hear me? I didn’t even get a cut of the basic-cable sales!

FIRST VOICE: At this time, subject is beginning to get a trifle melodramatic. This is entirely in line with the preliminary studies conducted by our psychiatric consultants, who have seen similar behaviors in other, similarly ill-drawn protagonists. I do feel I should warn you, subject, that I have a third-generation VHS dub of Two of a Kind on hand and that I’m not afraid to play it.

SUBJECT: Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I’ll stay focused.

FIRST VOICE: Much appreciated. It’ll all be over in a few thousand words. Now, next question – do you have a history of anti-social behavior?

SUBJECT: To call it a “history” would imply that it stopped at some point.

FIRST VOICE: So your anti-social tendencies are ongoing.

SUBJECT: I don’t even approve of ice cream socials.

FIRST VOICE: Would you call yourself misanthropic?

SUBJECT: That’s too limited. I don’t like dogs, either.

FIRST VOICE: At this point, I should note that I’m smiling enigmatically. All right, subject, I would like to ask you a few questions about your medical history.

SUBJECT: I performed a few appendectomies at parties, but that was just an ice-breaker. I never learned how to play the guitar.

FIRST VOICE: I should clarify – I mean to ask about any health problems you may have had. Have you, at any point in your life, suffered from any of the following: neck lumps, shuffles, the “capybara flu,” groinal paradiddles, engorged hoo-hah, pernicious flapdoodle, Marv Throneberry’s Condition, avoidanoidal dominosis, rockin’ dropsie, horizontigo, sores of Damocles, epidermal potholes, renal jihad, rotoscopic epistrophy, panic in detritus, subcutaneous homesick blues, intestinal catamites, the Abyssinian Drip, ordure of Taurus, nephritis Andronicus, the Boston Batwanger, pellagra non grata, deconstructivitis, Volpone’s knee, the Crunge, hillbilirubin, upraised fistulae, preshrunken genes, Chia petulance, varispeed intransigence, descending sevenths, garanimalia underusitosis, fiveskin, bananaramadanaykroydoncorleonahelmsleeperholdencaulfieldenstream, gorp, furtive glands, hypnagogic throat whelps, man-queefing, pancreatic schenectady, bronchial spazzalopilis, neo-spores, cardiac probation, the purple rosacea of Cairo, droopy lipids, horse lassitude, or baby backfat?

SUBJECT: Yes.

FIRST VOICE: Very good. One final question – when you reach Heaven, what do you expect God to say to you?

SUBJECT: “Oh, good – the second shift is here.”

FIRST VOICE: Okay. At this point, subject, I am pleased to inform you that you have passed the examination with flying colors. On behalf of the Tablewood Foundation, I would like to welcome you into Phase Two of Operation: Procedure. What I am about to tell you is both strictly confidential and slightly goofy. If you repeat any part of it to any individual unaffiliated with the Tablewood Foundation, you are liable to punishment up to and including immediate execution; also, you will forfeit your deposit. Your task will be –

(growing hubbub in the distance)

SUBJECT: Do you hear a growing hubbub in the distance?

FIRST VOICE: That’s impossible. They’re not in season. Your task in this operation shall consist of –

(sound of interview-room door being kicked in; several indistinct voices can be heard)

THIRD VOICE: (indistinct)

FIRST VOICE: Excuse me, you’re not allowed to kick in doors in this part of the building.

FOURTH VOICE: (indistinct)

SUBJECT: What the hell…

FIFTH VOICE: (indistinct!)

FOURTH VOICE: (indistinct?)

FIFTH VOICE: (INDISTINCT!)

SUBJECT: Is this part of the interview?

FIFTH VOICE: (indistinct) – said, take off your damn vocal indistinction masks! We’re here already!

THIRD VOICE: Sorry.

FOURTH VOICE: You’ve got a lot of nerve, pal! We know exactly what you’ve been up to!

FIRST VOICE: So you’ve figured us out, have you? Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time…

SUBJECT: Um, would you mind informing me? I mean, I am the protagonist…

THIRD VOICE: Shut your caketrap, dude! We’ve got a plot function to serve over here!

FIFTH VOICE: All in good time. All you need to know right now is that we’re here to rescue you.

SECOND VOICE: But first, we’ve got a faceless functionary to take care of.

(sounds of a scuffle)

FIRST VOICE: At this point, I should mention that three gentlemen in – oof – military fatigues have – ach – entered the interview room and are presently punching me repeatedly in the face, attempting – boof – to cover these sounds with a portable compact – owch – disc player which I believe is playing “Sounds of Scuffling, Volume – hunhg – Three.” Now, one of the gentlemen is spiriting subject from the interview room – gorp – which would indicate a change of scene, and quite possibly – kjghh – the end of the chap –

(tape ends)

(11/10/09 11:27 PM)